Sunday, May 22, 2011

Hello Old Friend.

It's been a while. Life, yeah it's crazy stuff, living and learning and filling my time with events that will shape me to be who I'm ment to be. Trying to cut back on my reliance on technology and work more on face to face, person to person skills. I still have the wonderful gift where I can talk to anyone, about anything, reach out and befriend a stranger...of course with the exception of those who make my heart skip beats. Ya know, I'm really sick of butterflies in my stomach and not knowing what to say, because I'm so good at ALWAYS knowing what to say with ANYONE. This is a terrible change of hands for me. Either way it's not a big worry as of now, in fact it's more like a humorous thought, and almost an inside joke among me and my friends. I have more complex and mind-stretching things going on that keep this inconvenience on the back-burner. I've implementing new goals this semester and I'm kicking my trash making sure that I reach them. Some of which include monday through thursday gym night, making time for photography, and excelling in all my classes. Hmm and a few like talking to new people, getting to know more people, and making time for those who matter, that roll over from last semester. Things like this probablly will never change, I get older and my need and desire to love those around me still stays pretty strong. Each person matters, each person has a story, each person is funny, smart, sassy, and kind. But you don't realize this until each person is give a chance to walk around the park with you. I'm quickly learning that if there's a problem it's usually a closed-minded view preventing you from really seeing that person. These are thoughts lately the echo through my mind and reverberated back and shake my being. 

This profound thought isn't what brought me to sit at my desk and recount to you the details of my musings, it's an after thought, an added-bonus, the "bakers dozen" just a bit extra. What I want to say is something of much more importance. Something that reaches deep in to my soul and brings me to my full purpose. Something that is so deeply intertwined in every fiber of my heart, my will, my movement and what gives my feet direction and guides each step everyday. I hope that as I share, giving you the microscope to examine every vessel in my heart that you will look with respect, look with open eyes and love. Like all my meanderings there was a spark that lite the fire that inevitably lead to a post. This spark was something simple. Another blog post a friend of mine had written. A very near and dear friend of mine wrote this a little over a month ago and it has really racked my brain. It was a short and simple post about faith, guidance and beliefs. My friend was currently in a world religions class and had often shared many insights with me about things she learned, and that had touched her, she gave me these in the form of quotes, blog posts, and most recently in simple conversations about things of this nature. Courage, openness, but more importantly comfortableness, my friend spoke about these things with such complete bravery. While I've mostly been known as one who's the loudest in a crowd, this is something that I've struggled with, confidence in sharing things so personal, so deep and intimate as my faith. I've always been the "If you have questions I have answers" type, never one forthcoming with information. My friend and I are not of the same "denomination" but she's one who I admire in her courage to share her thoughts, her views, her heart so willingly with those around her and she unknowingly tries to help those who feel lost find a way. I guess this is my pre-face because that fact is so profound to me, As I know and have answers and comforts to things that so many of those whom I love struggle with why do I keep these wonderful peace bringing factors to myself? Fear I suppose, but not entirely as I'm always willing to answer anything. I guess in the beginning more so then now, I feel comfortable in the conversations, more than comfortable I feel warmth in my heart that brings a feeling of safety and peace to my whole consciousness. Is it tact? Do I feel unable to approach this? Probably but I don't know if that would slow me down I lack tact in all things. As I sit here pushing my palms into my forhead trying to figure out why I keep the most precious things I know to my self all I come up with is nothing. So why haven't I? Keeping so wonderful a feeling, a relief to myself is selfish. Is that it? Selfishness? its that the monster that has eaten away my ability to give and share this knowledge? I'm as clueless as ever. 

With that as yet another pre-face I feel as though I need to share this. I need to send this message, that gives my whole life meaning out into the world. Give it a new pair of legs, and dancing shoes and send it out with wings to everyone I know and love and even those I don't who stubble upon my ponderings and stick around to read them. feel free to magnify, inspect, read word to word, and explore this as you will. But I know that we are not alone. EVER. that we may feel low and low, lonely as lonely but we are not alone. We will never be alone or forgotten. When we feel as though we could walk away from this world and no one would ever notice, someone will. Christ is there. He listens to our cries in the night, He even listens to the cries we don't outwardly make. He knows who we are, what we can be and what it takes to get us there. He knows what brings us unmeasurable joys and what brings us to our weakest points. He knows the struggles we face daily, the things that confine us to our beds in despair. He knows our hearts, our loves, and our intentions. He know what will give us the strength and the hope to pull back the covers and face the day despite the opposition we know we will face. Several times on or off my knees I know that God has heard my shouts of sorrow, frustration. He's seen and heard my knees shaking and breaking under the weight and pressure that has been placed upon my shoulders and sent Christ, my Savior to shift the weight from my shoulders to His as he helps me carry the load. I believe in prayer, simple prayer, communication between me and that great being who has created me. It makes no difference the size of my questions, my fears, my gratitude, things that are vast and future-based as well as small things, the being thankful for sunshine on a long walk home. I know He listens to me. I know He listens to everyone, why me and not you? He loves us all. Everyone. period. Every child, every mother, every husband, every lost and confused son or daughter. He knows each one of us by name. He knows what we're good at, he knows what we like to fill our time doing, our hobbies and interest. He cares about each one of us and what each of our futures hold. He knows that I'm typing this and He knows that one day you will read it and maybe take it for face-value or maybe more. He knows how you found it and why you read it. As any father he cares about each of us and how we are doing. Knowledge like this should be broadcast on the news and shouted to all the world, this simple message that "We are not alone, That someone cares." But there's more to this, there's more than an immeasurable amount of love for us there is an infinite forgiveness for us when we make a mistake. No one has messed up so bad that they can't be forgiven and find peace in their heart. It's like a perminate marker, marked all over the wall of who we  are, we feel as though our mistakes tarnish us, make us ugly, but even the toughest of stains are easily removed with bleach; so can we be made whole and feel the peace we once felt before the mishap when we allow the Savior to cleanse us. There is nothing so bad that we cannot experience mercy and be forgiven. Mercy: compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish. He believes in chances, given us another shot to change and become who we can be. He gives us the benefit of the doubt always. I know as we struggle through the things in this life that we face daily that we can rely on Him for guidance if we simply open the door and give Him a chance. He knows we can change. We can turn from things that bring us sorrow and seek Him and things that bring us peace. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know that we are not alone and that we can find peace. I know that I should have been sharing this through out my life, with everyone I've seen struggle, so that they could find happiness and peace like the kind that I have found. And this is my plan. Starting today, to be like my friend and share confidently the messages of love, the knowledge of never being truly abandoned. That we can always cast our eyes upward and feel warm arms wrap around us. I'm human, I am far from perfect and everyday I recognize that I need this, to help me feel joy and comfort and to focus on the small blessings in my day. I hope to be a better example. read, search, ponder, and feel free to get carree'd away.

xo carree

1 comment:

  1. I think a lot of people are uncomfortable talking about faith for the same reasons that they're uncomfortable talking about politics--it's personal and they're afraid that others will think differently than them (or worse, think about THEM differently because of their beliefs). It doesn't make you selfish to be nervous about divulging information about your faith--there's plenty of people who are defensive towards anyone who thinks differently than they do or take a simple conversation as an effort to "convert" them.

    It doesn't show a lack of faith as much as it shows how little we can trust our fellow people. Some think that there's only one way to worship God, only one way to love God and while there's nothing inherently wrong with that, it's when they demean others for thinking differently is when it crosses over the line, in my opinion. It's really because of people like that, that we're unable to have honest dialogs about faith/belief.

    And that makes me sad.

    I honestly think that if you love God, that you if you live according to the law and have a moral/ethical life, and take the time to educate yourself (even if you don't love God, really. You just need to be a good person) then you're "doing it right."

    But that's just my own opinion :P