Tuesday, December 27, 2011

rarely do I wear my insides on my outsides.

Fact. The above statement is truer than true. I'm not one for talking about the deep caverns of my heart. I can talk for days about the small little things in life the details that don't matter as much; the "face value" things. Those deep things that mean so much to me, that destroy me when are taken lightly. Parts of my whole soul. It's such a risk to give them free to the internet and it's vastness. However I've been raised my whole life that if you have something good, something that truly brings you comfort share it. I mean isn't that what we all do when we try something new and delish? TRY THIS. or when you see a movie that has you on the edge of your seat? YOU HAVE TO SEE IT, I'LL EVEN SEE IT AGAIN WITH YOU IF YOU WANT. DANNNNNGGGG. this things happen so often. I do this so much it's funny to think about. for me it's the standard things as previously mentioned as well as other things such as Kiva, or a good book, a funny clip, and inspiring CD, a "SHOWER JAM." The most wonderful and silly things in life need to be share. As the human race moves forward technology puts such vastness between us even though it unifies us. It's almost as though we are unified in out boredom to cluster together on social networks. I've spent some time off line and really tried to figure out who am and and where I'm heading. At times I've felt as though I've just been cluelessly walking in blissful unawareness as to the speed or direction I was heading. so entranced that I didn't really take much thought to the unrest and siring that was taking place deep within my frame.  

Of course with blissful unawareness there always follows the jaws theme song where the unrest slow craws into the conscious mind before a total attack takes place leaving nothing but bloody rubble. The unsteady waters started a few days ago, (the 23rd to be specific if anyone is DYING to know ahaha). It's that feeling we all know, the feeling shifts just like a change it the breeze it's subtle but enough to earn a look up and a pause for thought. 

Lack of peace. I can't describe it. Those who have experienced it know of the wordlessness it causes a restless soul. I could offer an over used and worn out phrase of yanking the carpet out from under you but I feel that doesn't quite do it. I feel like the carpet yank and fall come later than that first inkling. 

I'm the type to panic, relax, PANIC, ...relax then a dull nervous feeling before final relaxation. it's a short trip actually considering today is the 27th and I feel as if I could fly. I honestly feel as though I surpassed where I was before and stand on new fresh clean soil and a new place that is better than before. GROWTH. it's strange. I feel as if I leave it here you truly miss the beauty of the journey. you miss the real story. this is the story I would usually casually tell. this is the "face value" story. 

But I'm truly at a lost for words as to how to tell the whole story, where to start, how much to say and how to paint the profound understanding and peace I feel is almost impossible to do as all our experiences make our understandings so different. Our backgrounds, our key phrases and word emotion attachments are so unique that no two can truly share the same whole picture. What factors we choose to focus on and blur out are all so different. Different. That word. Different. It's a word that always gives and "negative" vibe. They are different how could they understand. I love and embrace difference, I walk and talk with difference, it is what adds strokes of color to a world that would be bland with only sameness. It's our differences that make us who we are and our similarities and willingness to love and accept one another that bring us together. I digress.

I guess that is a round-about and strange place to start. but round-about and strange is how I am so it's only fitting to start there. We are different. But we all have value. Immeasurable value. As dear old wise Albert said “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Why are our eyes always drawn to our flaws? Why can't we see that swimming is a wonderful life that we are smart in our own quirky ways? I know we all have choice and accountability. We have the power to choose what we are going to do, and we are accountable for those choices we don't get to choose the consequences. Oh but at times I wish I convince people to choose to see the light that they have and the purpose that they hold. We were designed with a purpose with individual talents and abilities to help us build each other and find happiness. I mean if I compared my self to a super model instead of enjoying being a fish life wouldn't be quite as enjoyable, I'm short dark haired, pale, thick thighed and green-eyed. Vogue would simply over look me in less than seconds. but if I think about me, I'm clever, full of random facts, simple, approachable and friendly. I may not be able to "climb trees" but I'm happy with out it. I've reached peace.   

Happiness. True happiness. Those who know me when asked to describe me easily throw out that word. "happy carree" "sunshiney carree" "she's a cheerful little thing" "why can't I have the positiveness that you have" "the silver lining is instantly there for you" It's true I focus all my energy on happiness, and peace. Feeling pleasant as often as possible. Only allowing big things to take bites at me. I will let you in on a secret I don't often share. it is not as easy as it looks, it doesn't come effortlessly, it doesn't come without tears every now and then. But it is so worth it. and with time it because easier because I'm not doing it alone. And no one really has to. I've spent the last three days praying for peace, praying for comfort, understanding and praying for direction. it's so surreal when prayers are answered word for word. It nice for once not to know what's going to happen but to understand what's happened.  I feel so good which is odd for me as not knowing the future usually brings me anxiety. But I feel happy, I feel full of faith. and I know God know's what's going to happen and it's in His hands. 

Well I can't explain it. but I feel awesome. :) I could try all day to but in the end you wouldn't feel the calm I feel. so I'll save myself some time and finger work and end here. don't get carree'd away.

xo carree

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